It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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