Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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