The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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