with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
