I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
