Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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