Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
