I am spending my child support on dildos
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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