theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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