Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
