Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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