i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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