i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
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you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
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I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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