The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
