Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
