I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
