I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
