Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
