Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize