last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Found your bra
Hanging in the tree