Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
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When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
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I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.