Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.