why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
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I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
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You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.