I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
How's work?
Spinning.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
