Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
