is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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