Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
