why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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