I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
