Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
