She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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