Your face is a jimmy john
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.