I'm an idiot
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller