I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
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she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
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and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho