Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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