its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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