I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just want to make out with him forever
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
