she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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