They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
