So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
