I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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