Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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