Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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