Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
