I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
