Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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