My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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