Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
