He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
