im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
