My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
