I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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