guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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