i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize