the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Sober January is a disaster.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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