My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
