I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
