I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
