On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So here I am, sexting at work.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
