Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
