i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I checked into jail on foursquare
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
